Ladies, my wife is beautiful, sexy, vibrant, smart, loving, giving, and so afraid and insecure and gone...help
No blame game here...simply arrogantly self-stupid observations by a truly hurting me. I deeply love my wife, but her family hurt, and still hurts her so badly that at 50 she has left her third husband, me, (though she says she is coming back) and I know why she is so messed up, but her inner demons won't even allow us to talk about it. We have good insurance and have been in therapy for a while, but she is so charming she fools the therapist (s). I am not perfect. I have problems. I am a good man. I am strong. I have been hurt and alone in the world like so many others. I am a fool who sees the folly in this world too well at times. I have been loyal and fought great, great battles to save my wife's life physically for over 7 years. Now, I now am powerless to solve my wife's one great illness...a fragile soul. She watched her bio father beat her mother for 2 1/2 years. Her mother left her with an emotionally empty and abusive grandmother for four more years. Her mother and step-father treated her well, but never really the same as her half-siblings. She played basketball and was on the dance team in high school, working to pay for the uniforms, camp fees, and the like. When she married too young, her mother disowned her because the boy was black (I know him. Good guy, problems too though like all of us.) After a few years, my wife divorced him after he began cheating because her expectations were so unrealistically high that she cut him off, like her mother "punished her to teach her a lesson." She became sarcastic, demeaning, disrespectful and stopped the cariños (she's a South-Texas Mèxicaña) in and out of the bed. He has gone on to be an attorney and a junior college president. In her early 20's she's back in South Texas at a university studying, living, having 20 something lovers, mostly naval officers in flight school, while avoiding anything close to responsibility to or for others. ( It's ironic, we lived one building away from each other then and went to the same college at the same time) She had lots of girl friends but was so lonely and hurting inside she quit life and her professional job and moved to Austin in her early thirties. Worked as a state auditor, suffered as she partied away, found God, found husband 2, not a nice guy...but not that bad either...resentfulness, irresponsiblity crept in while pretending to herself to be responsible...cuts him off like #1 and he cheats after she leaves him, and she blames him for everything. Divorce. Along comes me, also divorced from my 1st after a 20 year marriage and 3 kids. This time we live two doors and a stairwell away from each other. I offered to and helped her move a sofa to her apartment with another neighbor. I wanted to get to know her, but thought it would be to creepy to knock on her door and ask her out. One year later she knocks at my door with a petition trying to get the drug dealing kids next to her evicted...I sign...give phone #...next day same kids are threatening her...I rushed over and made kids behave respectful as they move out...scared them (I was a soldier and street urchin in the hood back in the day). It's summer, she's a teacher and beautiful. I'm a teacher and thinks she's cute...we play tennis, hike, bike, fall in love...marry a year and half after I convince her I'm decent...I had to show my credit report, back-ground check, hire mariachi's, learn Spanish better to talk to her older relatives, prove I was tamed Tiger...I'm a bolillo (white-boy) who lived and fought in the tough hispanic streets of south and west San Antonio and raised myself alone literally (dad and mom slipped away one at a time) since I was 14, but who got to go to college (GI Bill) anyway. She was afraid I'd leave her and cheat. I fought to get her. And now I'm fighting to keep her and not be # 3. She's at her parents right now because I'm driving her "crazy" because I want to talk about taking care of our future. I'm an English teacher by choice, a romantic by calling, and one lean, mean earning machine with an MBA who has made some damn lucky investments over the years, am only four years away from a full, paid retirement, and live in a state that is paying for me to attend a great law school part-time (being a soldier and staying alive was good to me)... what a great life...problem is the woman I love always runs away from responsibility...yeah, she ran away from Austin after about 8 years too, and every time she ran she financed it with her retirement money. She is 50, has no money, not enough time to actually earn a retirement from teaching like I have, or earn more in a second career like I hope, and I am willing to (and do) finance independent retirement accounts for her, but she is running away from me because she is insecure and afraid that after law school and some young cutie thang will seduce me away. She is unable, and I mean unable to talk about any real issue honestly, no she is not a liar, just supremely avoidant. I'm rambling forgive me. I worked at bringing her family back together, but I did not know they had isoloated everyone in the world due to some great unknown fear that I think comes out of the past (her family suffered greatly during the Mexican Revolution of the early 1900's...great depravity occurred...war really is hell...my wife's family won't answer their front door, answer the phone until after a message is left, and is flat broke because like her they won't think about the now or the future because of whatever ghosts haunt them from the past...they think I'm crazy because I'm not afraid to negotiate with repairmen, tell street thugs to keep their distance, or because I challenge religious frauds. I can not let the world hurt me. I would have died a long time ago. And, I have three children, and I thought a wife, to shepard. And now she has run away from me for the third time...and every time it is the day I must take my children home after a longish vistitation. And, they love her, she loves them, but she can't love too much or she gets so damn afraid she won't answer the telephone of life and slams the door of love. It's driving me insane. Help! Help! Help! How do I live with a woman who can't love too long without resenting getting loved, or won't think about her future, or won't make love to me anymore even though I'm a giving, faithful lover...a woman who has run away from me because she has been running away from herself her entire adulthood to keep the dad who beat her mom out of her mind, to keep the mom who refused to feed her when she asked at 23 yrs old out of her mind as punishment because she married a black man, who ran away from another man and his children because, because, because, she runs away.... I'm empty I survived incredible evil as a child, endured and still suffer the from the evil of war, lived after my three babies were ripped from me by divorce, fought arrogant and ignorant doctors like hell to keep this woman I cherish alive, but..............I can't fight this demon inside her that is tearing me apart and creating a void in my soul that I think will never go away if she stays away like she has the other two husbands and other lovers before me. I never knew agape love before my first daughter was born. In fact I think my first wife left me because I don't think I could love at all back then. Now, I love my lover and best friend like I'll never be able to love again... She tells me I talk too much. She yells for me to "Stop Yelling!!!" when I whisper I love her after trying to explain to her calmly that...Yes, she really does need to know where the natural gas cut-off valve is in this beautiful house of ours. She tells me I'm crazy as she breaks the beautiful things we have collected during our travels. She has left me because "You are driving me crazy!!! It's your sanity or mine. Why do you have to talk about things? Why can't we just love each other like my folks? We don't need to talk!" She lies about herself to the therapists and to herself. I love her. I'm not cheating. I found my soulmate, but the devil found her first. I'm a teacher of English, forgive my lack of brevity, my sloppy style, my non-proofing, Faulkner -esque stream-of-bullsh*t. As she pleads, I'll stop talking. Ladies, please...how do I make her come back and stay with me until we die together like in the books I must read?
Marriage & Divorce - 4 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
you're such a nice guy for some bondaged- unwilling- to- be- released pretty gal. forget about her looks & let others love you like you deserved.
2 :
What a shame she doesn't realize what a wonderful, loving, caring man she has/had. I cannot begin to advise you about a woman with so many issues. It must be extremely frustrating for you honey. All I can offer is my best wishes for you and your family.
3 :
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I read that WHOLE thing and I don't know what to say, but after havign read it all I feel obligated to say something. Sounds like you are smothering her maybe a bit too much, expecting things of her that are important to you, but not her. Take it easy, do as she says and relax. Yeah she should know things like how to turn off the natural gas, but really, how many women know how to do that and strive to actually learn things like that? So once you get her back actually stop all the talking and maybe start listening to her. Stop sweating the small stuff. You guys are in your 50's you say? A little late in the game for her to make any real lifestyle changes about the way she thinks so your ONLY option is to cater to her way of thinking....that is if you want to keep her. She sounds very stubborn but like I said, you're not going to change her, you can only meet her at least halfway which is all that is expected in any relationship. Good luck to you Sir.
4 :
I do feel for you, For one thing life isnt a "Fairy Tale", and two, Relationships arent ever, ever perfect..you are her third husband from what I understand....She wasnt over her first, or her second to begin w/, nor did she "Have a self"..In order to have a relationship w/ anyone you need to "Have self worth"..There also needs to be Communication...Key Word to any relationship..I have this friend..She was in a relationship/Married to her second husband for goin on twelve years, together w/ him for thirteen..They were together through thick and thin,..then a tragedy happened..They bought their first real home..she was pregnant five and a half mos w/ their second Son, He worked two jobs, He worked his ass off for his family through all of the marriage, until they were both faced that he had to have a spinal fusion(back surgery) done..one month after their true first home loan closed..It was the start of a "Total Devastation" that would be the fallout of their thirteen year relationship almost five years later..Hes now hopped up on pills for pain that might be, or might not be there.He also went into deep depression when he had to have another spinal fusion a year later from another disc blowing, and having his motherinlaw move in, and help w/ the children...She bore his third son in May of 07, almost lost her life to Eclampsia a week after giving birth to him..almost lost their sons life during her labor..the whole entire time of about three years, and more he cheated on her via internet, in a virtual reality world, and who knows how many physically now..He made a deal w/ her..saying that they could have a "Internet business" together..promised her "The World" w/ him again and she "Fell for it" again for the God knows how many times..shes stayed w/ him through thick and thin..Hoping/ Gambling that he would "Straighten up" so they could be together "For Life" and maybe " Like A Fairy Tale"..She knew that would not be "chalked up " to its "Meaning" for Life is "never a fairy tale"..."Life is never perfect"..Life should be full of happiness, through the good, bad, and the ugly times..and full of meaningness, for if it has no "meaningness" then what is there of life in itself"??, Emptiness and Lonliness is what it becomes..Thats when "Cheating", "Defensiveness" , "Abuse "whether its Verbally, mental, physical, and spiritual..happens..and that becomes the downfall of devestation..to the relationship..He lied over and over to her..keeping secrets..hidden bank accounts in his name, had a deal w/ his parents whom didnt like her in the first place since them getting together..stealing money from his family, not taking the responsibilities that lie w/ his family, via getting a job, much less goin out to support..She became pregnant again and then miscarried..To both of them that pregnancy was a shock!! He just "Supported" himself..what he wanted..and when he wanted he was nice and loving to her..But if she couldnt "provide" Material items for him..then he would find them from another" till he got them.."lost in a Nutshell' He took off on the family and screwed a married girl w/ a family of her own..Its both their faults..as I would put it..He had totally given up on his family of three boys and a wife for all this..other s*** that made himself feel like he "had a purpose" in life when it shouldve been his family...Them two are now goin through a divorce w/ him taking everything materialistic..and not seeing his boys..for twenty five days at a time..So, to tell you the main moral of the "Devestating fairy tale:" There are and is worse out there..to tell and hear..about..you tc/ and hopefully you and her can find that common denomiator..again..;)
